So, The stuff I was upset about last week, forget about it. Apparently I wasn't actually upset, okay I was, but I forgot about the good stuff in my life. Wow, I am one lucky mother clucker.

I have realized I am afraid of being hurt so much that I fabricated pain and pretended that that was the worst that I could feel, when truly it was a skinned knee. This sounds bizarre, but I suppose I was trying to convince myself that if I can get over that, then nothing can do me in. Also by getting hurt early, real feelings are not involved.

This way of living is stupid. I am missing all the fun of the good times, and the knowledge from the bad. I guess all my life I have been trying to minimize feeling to spare me real pain, so now I am detached and living half a life. I am sick of it, I would like to feel... yes. I think I am finally ready for one of those, oh geez what are they called? Oh right, relationships. Now I am not saying that I want one right away, but if one develops, I don't think I would be so afraid. Alright I would be, but damn, I think a little fear might be good for me.

Truly none of this matters considering there are no applicants wanting to try this out with me, but you know what I am okay with that too. Damn I am feeling great. Lame as it sounds, I feel like a new lady, nay woman.

Do you remember rock 'n' roll radio?

I have a new hero, and you will never guess who it is. Hell she might even know. It is one Maggie. She is so awesomely confident. Today at dinner someone brought her up and how she sees her own beauty, how could anyone not, I mean she is gorgeous. I think I have thought about this too much, and perhaps it is creepy, but as of 7:34 pm, Maggie is my newest hero. I will try to strive to be as confident as she is.

Uh, other things. Oh quote of my day, "It's like making Michael Jackson your heir apparent." This was said when discussing Kim Jung Ill's naming his eldest son his successor. Oh Ish.

Goodness.  This first 10 days have been great!  Summer is agreeing with me very much.  I still miss my college friends, but being home feels great.

Parents

Right now I am at odds with my dad, and my mom is my "best friend".  I may sound very ungrateful, but I can't help but get sick of the family drama.  My dad creates history, and when I have a differing of remembrance, he flips out.  It isn't okay to for my mom to always tell my brother he is wrong, but it is fine for him to tear me down and hurt me repeatedly.  My mom is being great, but I just wish I had a sane parent.  I can't get to close to my mom, without my dad being mad at me.  I worry so much about my dad, and when he doesn't call me and tell me he is okay, I am worried sick.  His behaving like an angry friend, is making me stressed out.  I am the child that always calls him, my brother has to be told, but my brother is the golden child.  I am just tired of trying to be what he wants without losing myself.  I give up.

College

College is pretty fantastic.  Here, I have found a place of comfort and ease.  There are never days when I feel strained by my perceived "responsibilities".  The only time I have been distraught is when home comes here.  I can't say it enough, I love my friends, beautiful wonderful people. 

Summer

Ah, sweet summer.  I am pretty amped about it, even though I will miss my friends from other places.  My dad, when he isn't ashamed of me, he has begun to treat me like an adult, which makes fun easier to be had.  It makes me a bit sad to think of all the work I have to do this summer, ah.